laughter

Have you ever been in a situation where laughter is warranted but not acceptable. I find myself in such circumstances all too often. Maybe it is due to my lack of maturity or my occasional inappropriate sense of humour but I find myself in many situations which I consider quite humorous and others do not.
 I was at a dinner a while back when a gentleman at my table, sitting right next to me, rose from his seat to address the group of about 150. Normally I would not find this too funny however as he rose, and I remained in my seat, at my eye level and in full public view, it was obvious that his pants were not done up and peeking out of his zipper was part of his under garments. I could not laugh as I was directly to his right and all eyes of the room where either fixated on him, his zipper, or me to watch my reaction.In these situations it is so difficult to withhold laughter that you are not even able to make eye contact with anyone else because you know once you see someone else laugh or even smile you are finished. I am proud to say that I did not laugh the entire 10 minutes that he spoke. I did sweat so profusely, however, trying to withhold my laughter that I think I lost at least 3 pounds. I am sure many of us have been in these types of  situations. If this ever happens to me again I think I am just going to casually zip up his pants, give him a nice pat on the back and ask him to continue. After all If its good for the President its good for anyone.

Proper protocol?

   I was at a function recently and I bumped into a business colleague that I had not seen in quite a while. Normally I would give him a nice greeting, I would ask how he was and I may either shake his hand or go in for a man hug. But this time it was little awkward as we were both standing in the bathroom at adjacent urinals. So what does a guy do? Do I engage in conversation? Certainly I don't put out my hand or try to hug him. Do I even say hello?
   I guess the same question would arise in any public bathroom. Is one rude if he doesn't engage in conversation in a bathroom? I think a public bathroom is like going to war, get in finish your mission, get out as quickly as possibly with as little collateral damage as possible. Quite different from your private bathroom at home which is like a vacation. An oasis, alone, quiet, and no one bothering you. But what is the proper protocol in a public bathroom?

                                                    

Weak?

I was at a wedding Sunday night. As I am enjoying the wedding, sitting at a wonderful table, a friend makes his way to my table to let me know he thought my blog about Nomophobia was, as he said, weak. Weak, very weak as he repeated it a few times. He actually made the effort to come over to me to tell me he did not like my most recent blog. So I am thinking who does that? 
Can you imagine. Excuse me lady but I had to come over to tell you that your dress is weak, really weak, I really don't like it. Or, Mike I have been looking all over for you to let you know that I thought your speech yesterday was weak, very weak, I really didn't like it.
 So to my friend, I say I am sorry you felt my last bog was weak. Unfortunately I can't hit a home run with every blog for all readers. I do however hope you enjoyed this one as it is the last one I will send you. As Seinfeld would say "No Blogs for you!"  

What an...

Nomophobia

I have a friend who suffers from nomophobia. A condition brought on by being separated from one's cell phone. Although you may have thought it was anxiety from not receiving a Moe blog, No Mo Phobia. The symptoms include severe anxiety and anguish, they are actually creating a blue diamond phone shaped pill to treat this condition. It works by refocusing the patient's attention on other matters arising. So this guy forgot his cell phone at home last week. He told me he felt naked the entire day. I asked him whether he would feel worse without his pants. He wasn't quite sure. He once forgot his phone when going to a Raptors game and thought it might have been better forgetting his pants. He promised to experiment next time he goes to a game by leaving his pants at home. He must be a boxer guy. Also wondering where he will hang his phone.


lending their phones

Raccoons

  Raccoons: They are smart, they are fast and they are a huge menace.They make a mess of the garbage, they can open any pail, they are noisy at night and they can scare the hell out of you when coming out of the shadows. They also leave mounds of crap wherever they decide to make their bathroom. I hate raccoons and I hate waking up to a mess every morning!
   But they have better protection and more rights than the average citizen in Toronto and they are becoming a bigger problem by the day. The city says that since they introduced the green bin program the raccoon population has exploded. Toronto is known as the raccoon capital of the world. The city says get used to it, they are here to stay.
    Why? Why are they here to stay? Why can't we hire someone to kill them or take them hundreds of miles away. Take them all to Algonquin park! If we had three foot rats living around our homes, eating our garbage and walking our streets at night we would create a program to get rid of them in a minute? So I don't get it, maybe some one out there can enlighten me.

Three foot rat

  

  

911

  I was at a corporate golf tournament in Peterborough last week playing with a few customers. Upon arriving at the course, Baxter Creek, my phone rang, it was the OPP PCC FALLS, as identified on my phone. I answered the phone expecting a request for a donation to the policeman's ball. The person on the line identified herself as an OPP officer and informed me that I called the police and wanted to verify everything was ok. I suggested that it must have been a pocket call and I assured her that I was fine. After answering a few personal questions, my birthday, home address, where I was...the officer told me that she was required to file a report and that another officer may be contacting me.
  On the fourth hole I checked my phone and noticed I missed four calls from an "Unidentified Caller". At that very moment the phone rang again from an unidentified caller and upon answering it a police officer identified himself, told me he was following up from my previous conversation, again asked me the same questions as before and discovered we shared the same birthday, although I was older. I assured him I was fine and I apologized for my inadvertent pocket call. He asked one last time if I needed any assistance. This time I answered yes and explained to him that all my shots where slicing to the right and asked if he could help. He suggested I try loosening my grip on the club.
 My game suddenly improved. Thank goodness the OPP was there when I needed them.

Following the rules or bad manners?

 Retirement Homes have many rules and regulations. I am always very careful to abide by all of them when visiting a Home.The most common rule is to never allow a resident to leave a Home while you are entering. This is why virtually all homes have a keypad and a passcode for entry and exit of the Home.
  I was at a Home this week and as I was entering a resident in a wheel chair was waiting at the door trying to get out. Knowing the rules I stood by the door, blocking the resident from exiting, until the door was fully closed. Ensuring the resident remained in the Home.
  The resident then proceeded to put the passcode into the keypad so the door would open, while at the same gave me a very sarcastic  "thanks" together with a few choice words he mumbled under his breath. How was I to know he was allowed to leave?
   Sorry Buddy.
 

Small towns

 I have been visiting many small towns and villages recently in Ontario and I have noticed that they have many stores and services we just don't have in the bigger cities.
  Antique stores. Many antique stores. Every other store is an antique store. Who is buying these antiques. The whole town has only 1000 people. Are these stores just a way for the towns people to swap their old stuff. One sells another buys? Eventually you buy back the original old stuff you sold.
  Septic tank services. The whole idea stinks. A massive sewage tank in your back yard!  We are in the 21st century why do people still have septic tanks in Ontario? Is it true the richest guy in town owns the septic tank business? If your tank is overflowing won't you pay anything to have it emptied?
   Worms. In Toronto its hard to find a store that sells worms. In small towns its hard to find a store that doesn't sell worms. Every gas station and variety store has worms in the fridge right next to the milk and eggs.
   I like small towns and I think growing up in a small town is great. After all who doesn't want  sewage in their yard and worms in their fridge.