Driving made easy

Israel is known for being a difficult place to drive. I know people who refuse to drive in Israel for fear of making a wrong turn or fear of Israeli drivers. At least the signs are clearly marked. Could you tell me please which way to Jerusalem and which way to Tel Aviv?

I hate Acronyms

Have you noticed how the English language has become a series of acronyms. I attend meetings and have conversations where I am totally lost because I am not up on the latest acronyms. Facebook, text messages and emails have not helped the situation. Soon we won't be able to read newspapers without a special acronym dictionary. What are they talking about below?

Perfect translation

In today's hi-tech world there is never an excuse for incorrect spelling or incorrect translations on signs, menus, or any printed material for that matter. But yet, we still discover it in so many places throughout the world.
I came across this sign in Israel on a road and at first thought the translation was incorrect. The meaning of the Hebrew word "borot" has two definitions. The first meaning pot holes, the second boors or ignorance. The sign could be translated as danger! pot holes on the road or danger! ignorance on the road. If you have ever driven in Israel I think you would agree that the definition chosen on the sign is correct.

Clothing drive

I came across an appeal in a local paper:
"Out of the Cold requires: Adult in good condition, winter coats and boots, fleece tops and pants, warm socks(new), travel toiletries. Please see flyer for location of drop offs."
It is important to donate our lightly used clothing but I am very curious as to where these guys are travelling to that they need travel toiletries.? And if it's a warm place maybe they should stay there for the winter!

Judges are reading my Blog

                    Nice to see that important people are reading my Blog and taking me seriously.

Smoking on planes

The definition of inhibited is "unable to act in a relaxed and natural manner because of self-consciousness or mental restraint". The definition of hibited, by some, is the opposite of inhibited meaning "able to act relaxed and in a natural manner".
I was on a plane a little time ago and on the entertainment screen it read, " Smoking is strictly pornhibited". Pornhibited? So what does that exactly mean? We know what "porn" means and we know what "hibited" means. I did look through all the movies that were playing but found nothing that would allow one to smoke while watching a "movie" in a relaxed and natural way .
 I guess it was just a typo and smoking was strictly prohibited. Or maybe not? Megan?

Feeding the Homeless

  Have you ever seen a homeless person on the street? I am sure your heart goes out to them and you wonder what their personal story is that resulted in their current situation.

  In Ft Lauderdale two ministers and a 90-year-old man face up to 60 days in jail for feeding the homeless. Arnold Abbott was one of the first to be arrested under the new law when he tried to feed hundreds of homeless people outside his church.

"One of the police officers came over and said 'Drop that plate right now,' as if I was carrying a weapon," Abbott said.
 A crime to feed the homeless? What's next? Unlawful to help the elderly? Illegal to visit the sick? A crime to give charity?
    Ft Lauderdale sounds like a great place, anyone else want to move?
 

Crime in progress

Good economic sense

We should all be so thankful that we live in Canada. Our economy survived the global meltdown, our leaders are ethical and moral and we are given opportunities not available in most other countries.
 Venezuela for example is one of those most other countries. Their leadership is corrupt and immoral and their economy has been failing for years. The government in Venezuela has long imposed price protection on essential consumables including bread and milk and have imprisoned merchants who sell them at unfairly high prices. Although these measures may assist a little it is not enough to help the country with their economic recovery.

 Current Venezeulan President Nicolas Madura does have a solution though. Increase the list of regulated essential consumables. Effective immediately all Barbie Doll prices will be capped. Sell them above the cap and you will go to jail. Great idea, this way Venezeulans will be able to afford bread, milk, eggs and barbies.
   

At least Venezeulan Barbie looks happy.

Maple Leafs

I love hockey and this Saturday night there were many great games being televised. I am a Montreal Canadian fan and have been for 50 years and I have to say when it comes to hockey Montreal is THE team. Their success speaks for itself. I am sure being a Leaf fan is not easy and I do sympathize with their many fans. I did however figure out why they suck.
As I was watching the Canadians play Minnesota the broadcasters were describing how the Canadians were "skating hard" into the Minnesota zone. During a commercial break I tuned into the Leafs game against the Rangers just in time to hear the broadcasters describe how the leafs "Tiptoed" into the Rangers zone. TIPTOED? Are they playing hockey or ballet? Guy Lafleur never tiptoed!
So listen up Leafs if you want any chance to win a Stanley Cup stop tiptoeing and start skating. Or start celebrating goals like the guy below.

He shoots he scores!!

Finally a good survey

A recent survey was conducted amongst women and the vast majority answered that they prefer husbands/partners who are slightly out of shape, slightly overweight, and not too health conscious. They concluded that these men are happier, more fun, and easier to live with. They are more attentive to the women's needs and spend less time focused on themselves working out and keeping in shape.
Finally women are realizing what I have been saying for years.
Pass the fries!!!

Signs

Some signs have spelling errors, some poor grammar and others hidden messages but what the hell does the sign below mean?

Save the environment?

 Have you been told by hotels to reuse your towels? They ask you to think about how many towels are being laundered unnecessarily in hotels across the world and then mention the huge quantities of detergent polluting the waters. So they ask us to hang up our towels after using so they don't have to wash them. Well I for one don't like it. If I am paying to stay in a nice hotel then not only do I want a fresh towel every day,  I want a fresh towel usually twice a day. I think its time the hotels figure out how to launder towels environmentally friendly! I think they are trying to save money and just came up with a lame excuse to make us feel guilty. They just don't want to give us clean towels every day. What's next flipping the sheets? No vacuuming to save electricity. Bring your own pen! They are starting to sound like Airlines.
 Want to save money? Stop giving me crappy sewing kits, shoe shiners, vanity kits and disposable bags. If I need one I will call room service but a clean towel better keep coming.

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!!!

I have had many occasion to use public bathrooms. Whether it be at the movies, gas stations, restaurants or any of the many places I visit, I have at times been in need of relief. Some have been pleasant surprises and others not so much. When I visited this latest public bathroom I said NEVER! Don't even ask. It has gone too far! I will never touch a toilet brush in a public bathroom. What are they thinking? I am the only one? And at a urinal?

Toilet paper quandry.

I always wonder about the strangest things. Like how companies have us believe that if we just pay a little extra for better quality products we will save money. Paper towel is one such product. If we purchase Bounty, because of its super absorbent power, we will use less paper towels and at the end of the day save money. Kleenex is the same. If we purchase double or triple ply the thinking is that we will use less tissues and save money.
But I wonder about toilet paper? If we spend a few extra bucks and buy a better quality product will we save money? If we buy double, triple or quadruple ply will it be more cost efficient? What about plush or quilted does it make a difference? Does it matter if you are a folder or a buncher? I don't think so! I think toilet paper is made in such a way that once you tug on that roll the same amount of squares are coming off and there is nothing you can do to about it.  The companies know it and they know we are not about to rewind once those squares have left the roll. So save your money!
 Although I am sure there is something to be said about 3 real soft, quilted, ultra plush layers of toilet paper with silky comfort. I may just give it a try.

Boxer Turtles

  Kai Xu, a good old Windsor boy, was discovered last week, by U.S. border police, smuggling 51 turtles in his pants. 51 turtles in his pants! These turtles were mostly the Eastern Box turtle. That's Box turtle not Boxer turtle, although in this case boxer turtle may be a better name.
 I can't imagine having 51 turtles in my pants, I can't imagine having 1 turtle in my pants. As Seinfeld would say, I am sure there was more than 1 frightened turtle down there.
 I say we punish Kai by placing 51 snapping turtles in his pants and let the turtles get even. After spending a few hours with snapping turtles in his pants I am sure Kai will think twice before putting any other animal in his pants.     

Put 51 of these in Kai's pants

Signs for Dummies

Traffic signs are very important, but do we need signs for idiots?  Do we need to remind pedestrians not to walk into oncoming traffic? If someone was not taught to look both ways before crossing and does not realize that being hit by a car could hurt, I don't think a sign is going to help them.

Business and Politics

I think business has no room for politics. If you have a good product you should have every opportunity to sell it globally.  I am wondering though whether one should be a little discerning when naming a business and, perhaps, should always be aware of current world events in order to be able to make changes if needed.Take for example the name below. Is it time for a name change? Or at least a sign change? Really ISIS?

Golf

I am not a good golfer but I enjoy the game. There are a couple aspects to the game that are important:
1-Keep the game moving quickly otherwise you can't get into a rhythm and it takes too long.
2-Stay focused on your game with as few distractions as possible.  
I was recently partnered up with this guy. Always on the phone in what looks like a Halloween costume. Do I need to tell you how badly I played?

Handicapped Services.

We have come a very long way in Canada by way of offering services to the handicapped. Businesses are required to have wheelchair accessibility.  Every parking lot must have handicapped spaces. Movies and television have closed caption services for the hearing impaired and every elevator has braille on their buttons.  I am proud to live in a country that offers so many wonderful services. But I recently came across a sign in a public bathroom that I really don't understand. Notice the braille on both signs. How do the blind even know these signs exist?

I won an award

You may not believe this but I like to garden. I cut my own grass and I plant my own flowers. It started about 30 years ago when I landscaped for a summer, it was also the summer I discovered I was allergic to grass. Since moving to Thornhill I have been chasing the coveted Vaughan Curb Appeal award. Year after year I have tried to win this distinguished recognition only to be met with disappointment. Until this year, when I hired a professional landscaper. I am now a proud owner of  the Curb Appeal Award.

I was so proud until walking in my neighborhood when I came upon a fellow award recipient.

                                                          So much for feeling proud.

Neighbors

Have you ever wondered about your neighbors? There are always a few neighbors you are friendly with and others you just don't know about. You are always curious as to what they actually do for a living? Why are they always home? There is always that one that looks very suspicious. Sketchy people going in and out of the house all the time. A car with tinted windows always parked outside. And what about that neighbor who sits in his garage all day in his undershirt with a beer in hand.
I passed a neighbor's house this week. That's a lot of shredding! I don't want to know.

Exercise

 Exercising is very important. I presently own a treadmill and an elliptical machine, I never use them but I do own them. I have owned many other exercise machines over the years that all ended up collecting dust. I now walk for exercise, once or twice a day for 45 minutes. I am told that I should be doing more so I began investigating what the best exersice for someone like me, in such great shape, would be and I found something very interesting. I guess if you have time for only one movement a month it may as well be the Bulgarian Split Squad.

 

Knee Defender

Planes are getting tighter and tighter. Have you noticed that windows on planes no longer line up with the seats. I have been on many planes where I have a half a window or no window at all. Why? Because the airlines keep adding additional rows of seats and now you have 4 rows of seats with only 2 windows to share. We are getting packed into seats for hours and it is becoming terribly uncomfortable to work, eat and sleep. It gets even worse when the seat in front of you is reclined with a passenger almost on your lap. Is there anything we can do?

 Yes! Its called the KNEE DEFENDER. But beware, although this $21.95 gadget attaches to your tray table and prevents the person in front of you from reclining it can result in an actual fight like the one on United Airlines last week.
 The fight started when the male passenger, seated in a middle seat of row 12, used the Knee Defender to stop the woman in front of him from reclining while he was on his laptop. The women then poured her cup of water on the male passenger. Both were thrown off the plane after it made an emergency landing.
 Both passengers were also sitting in United's Economy Plus section, the part of the plane that has four more inches of legroom than the rest of coach. I guess every inch really doesn't make a difference.

Ice bucket challenge

I was challenged this week to the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. This challenge has taken the world by storm and has raised millions of dollars for charity. I challenge everyone to take the ice cold plunge. Send me your videos and we will show them at the upcoming nursing conference at Classic Care on September 18th.

Falafel Balls

I witnessed one of the funniest moments I have ever seen. There I was sitting with my wife at a restaurant enjoying a good Shwarma. At a table near the entrance of the restaurant were seated two senior couples enjoying their main dish together with a falafel pate. As they were eating their main dish another patron was leaving the restaurant and on his way out he briefly stopped at the senior's table , looked at the falafel balls, picked one up, took a bite out of it and proceeded to leave the restaurant with the falafel ball in hand. The look of shock and disbelief on the senior's faces was indescribable. That a total stranger would actually have the chutzpa to help himself to their falafel ball! One of the funniest moments I can remember. Oh, did I forget to mention I lost a $5 bet?

Danger

Everyone should be aware of the dangers of electricity in a washroom. We have all seen many movies where a radio or electrical appliance falls into a bathtub and electrocutes the bather. In fact new building codes are very strict as to where outlets and light switches can be in a washroom. So when I saw the sign below in a hospital it certainly was surprising. I guess not everyone is aware.

New Friends

 I made three new friends today. Two ladies and a gentleman. We are starting a new club,  "Lost car in the underground parking club".
 Actually the car was not lost I knew exactly where it was 3H but I could not find 3H. Whenever I park underground I write down where I parked on the parking stub so I don't forget. Then I take careful notice of which door I enter from the garage and which door I exit to the outside so I wont get lost. This week I parked in 3H but when I exited to the stairway the door said level 2. No problem, I thought, as I will just retrace my steps when I return to the parking lot and my car will be easy to find. WRONG!
I came back to door level 2, same door I arrived through, I retraced my steps and sure enough I arrived at 2H. Now comes the search, where is 3H?
 At least I had company as the 4 of us all wandered together in search of our cars. Each one of us constantly pushing that little button on our keys hoping our car would respond by flashing its lights or by honking, but none of our cars cooperated. I suggested we all head back to the door and retrace our steps. As we did this as if by magic my car suddenly appeared in 3H, amazing how one wrong turn can get one so lost. I bid farewell and good luck to my new friends as I as began my new adventure, finding the exit.

Water Parks

  I enjoy a good water slide. I recently took my grandchildren to Great Wolf Lodge. It has a wonderful water park with great slides. What a treat to be able to go down a high fast water slide together with my 6 year old grandson. There is a problem though, it's the wait for the slide. Its not the few minutes I have to wait that I mind, its the actual standing and waiting on the stairs. You see, there is just too much naked flesh and fat hanging out of everyone's bathing suits wherever you turn. In front is usually a fat guy who is two steps up leaving his ass at my eye level and behind not much better with a guy or a gal hanging out all over the place just below me. To make matters worse everyone is dripping wet so not only are you forced to be exposed to all this naked flesh but quite frequently you also get a good splashing from the people next to you in line. And don't get me started on the extra hairy guys who also seem to brush against you as they walk by. I do have a solution though. When you enter these water parks the children are required to stand on a platform to measure their height to determine which rides they can go on. Lets have another platform for all the adults, they step up to the platform in their bathing suits and a 17 year old water park staff member decides whether they need to cover up when waiting for a ride. I think it would make the park a much nicer place to visit. If anyone is insulted they can leave. That way we are left with only good looking people in bathing suits and the rest of us are covered up.

I will try to cross that bridge when I come to it.

I was already driving on the Island for about 40 minutes. It was raining hard Tuesday on Manitoulin Island and very difficult to see the road. There where constant signs warning me that I was driving on loose gravel, signs I did not need as the rough road was reminder enough. I had not seen another car for about 20 minutes but I was lucky my GPS was in control and knew exactly where I was headed, to South Baymouth to catch the ferry home. Anyone who relies on a GPS is well aware that it loves finding the most remote roads in the area to travel on. Then it appeared: Road Closed, Bridge Out! Have you ever tried to get alternate directions from a GPS, all you hear is the dreaded "recalculating". What to do? There is no one around to ask directions, I am surrounded by country dirt roads and my GPS tells me to keep driving ahead. Sometimes when you encounter obstacles in life you must make a decision which way to go, I continued straight ahead. The bridge was indeed out. The men working on the bridge laughed when I arrived, "the GPS always gives these directions" as they directed me to an alternate route. Back through many different dirt roads until I arrived at a real paved road, fellow cars and clear signs. Needless to say I made the ferry and arrived home safely. I am though looking forward to my next GPS adventure.

Carpooling

 I like to carpool, I find it relaxing, I rarely drive and it makes the drive go quicker. Usually it is quite uneventful but this week there was an unpleasant twist.
 We were on the road just after 7am heading to Peterborough. I was in the passenger seat and the phone rang. It was the driver's wife. The car has a phone system so as soon as he answered the phone his wife was on speaker phone. Before he had a chance to tell her I was in the car she started at him. I was trapped in their conversation. She was having a rough morning and she asked him to do something the night before and he forgot to do it and now her day was going to be even worse. Neither of us had a chance to tell her I was in the car. 
 Should he have told her as soon as possible, after she finished screaming, that I was in the car? Is there a point in the conversation where he lost the opportunity to tell her or does he tell her when gets home? I don't know the answer but this guy was in trouble as soon as he said hello and I think telling her any time afterwards was not going to help. He was screwed!
 

Five Stars

I have stayed in many hotels over the years, some 5 star some 2 star. Everyone rates hotels differently. Some look for fancy rooms, others large pools, some want top restaurants, while others look for the Spa. I know someone who likes hotels that draws a bath for them every evening.  According to the Forbes Hotel ratings the following is usually required to be a 5 star hotel:

• Staff is extremely well spoken and polite.
• Amenities include complimentary newspaper, a welcome gift, 24 hour room service and turndown service. Drawn bath not required, but would be nice.
• At least two types of premium quality snacks are offered during bar and lounge service.
• Guest rooms should be clean and inviting. Nothing worn or broken. Bed should be inviting with numerous overstuffed pillows and high-quality linens.

For me it all comes down to the shower. Is there power? I need a powerful shower, like the Commando 450. I hate wimpy showers where you need to search for the best stream. You can keep the spa, the snacks, and even the over stuffed pillows as long as you give me a great shower. Although a drawn bath does sound inviting.

Signs

Have you noticed how many strange signs are posted everywhere. When driving to the airport in New York I noticed a sign on the highway "Low Flying Planes". What exactly is that sign's purpose? How low are these planes flying? 
 I was walking in my neighborhood this week and I noticed a sign on the front lawn of a home,
 " beware of invisible fence". Really? Is there such a thing? 
                             And finally a sign from a local pharmacy. Soak up the savings!

"To be or not to be"

I was in New York City this week to celebrate Canada Day. I really do Love New York, the lights, the people, the shows, the restaurants and the wonderful neighborhoods.
A great part of New York is Central Park. Hansom Cab rides, the zoo, walking trails, bike rentals, the old castle, lakes, boating.... and did you know there is also a theatre with free shows? As I was walking through the park there was a huge lineup to see a show. People were in line with sleeping bags, pillows, food...they looked like they were lined up for hours and maybe even days. Of course I had to know what great show they were in line for, after all this is New York, "Broadway" where every show is a jewel. So I asked one of the people in line what show he was waiting for and he excitedly told me," It's a panel discussion about Shakespeare". I kept walking.

laughter

Have you ever been in a situation where laughter is warranted but not acceptable. I find myself in such circumstances all too often. Maybe it is due to my lack of maturity or my occasional inappropriate sense of humour but I find myself in many situations which I consider quite humorous and others do not.
 I was at a dinner a while back when a gentleman at my table, sitting right next to me, rose from his seat to address the group of about 150. Normally I would not find this too funny however as he rose, and I remained in my seat, at my eye level and in full public view, it was obvious that his pants were not done up and peeking out of his zipper was part of his under garments. I could not laugh as I was directly to his right and all eyes of the room where either fixated on him, his zipper, or me to watch my reaction.In these situations it is so difficult to withhold laughter that you are not even able to make eye contact with anyone else because you know once you see someone else laugh or even smile you are finished. I am proud to say that I did not laugh the entire 10 minutes that he spoke. I did sweat so profusely, however, trying to withhold my laughter that I think I lost at least 3 pounds. I am sure many of us have been in these types of  situations. If this ever happens to me again I think I am just going to casually zip up his pants, give him a nice pat on the back and ask him to continue. After all If its good for the President its good for anyone.

Proper protocol?

   I was at a function recently and I bumped into a business colleague that I had not seen in quite a while. Normally I would give him a nice greeting, I would ask how he was and I may either shake his hand or go in for a man hug. But this time it was little awkward as we were both standing in the bathroom at adjacent urinals. So what does a guy do? Do I engage in conversation? Certainly I don't put out my hand or try to hug him. Do I even say hello?
   I guess the same question would arise in any public bathroom. Is one rude if he doesn't engage in conversation in a bathroom? I think a public bathroom is like going to war, get in finish your mission, get out as quickly as possibly with as little collateral damage as possible. Quite different from your private bathroom at home which is like a vacation. An oasis, alone, quiet, and no one bothering you. But what is the proper protocol in a public bathroom?

                                                    

Weak?

I was at a wedding Sunday night. As I am enjoying the wedding, sitting at a wonderful table, a friend makes his way to my table to let me know he thought my blog about Nomophobia was, as he said, weak. Weak, very weak as he repeated it a few times. He actually made the effort to come over to me to tell me he did not like my most recent blog. So I am thinking who does that? 
Can you imagine. Excuse me lady but I had to come over to tell you that your dress is weak, really weak, I really don't like it. Or, Mike I have been looking all over for you to let you know that I thought your speech yesterday was weak, very weak, I really didn't like it.
 So to my friend, I say I am sorry you felt my last bog was weak. Unfortunately I can't hit a home run with every blog for all readers. I do however hope you enjoyed this one as it is the last one I will send you. As Seinfeld would say "No Blogs for you!"  

What an...

Nomophobia

I have a friend who suffers from nomophobia. A condition brought on by being separated from one's cell phone. Although you may have thought it was anxiety from not receiving a Moe blog, No Mo Phobia. The symptoms include severe anxiety and anguish, they are actually creating a blue diamond phone shaped pill to treat this condition. It works by refocusing the patient's attention on other matters arising. So this guy forgot his cell phone at home last week. He told me he felt naked the entire day. I asked him whether he would feel worse without his pants. He wasn't quite sure. He once forgot his phone when going to a Raptors game and thought it might have been better forgetting his pants. He promised to experiment next time he goes to a game by leaving his pants at home. He must be a boxer guy. Also wondering where he will hang his phone.


lending their phones

Raccoons

  Raccoons: They are smart, they are fast and they are a huge menace.They make a mess of the garbage, they can open any pail, they are noisy at night and they can scare the hell out of you when coming out of the shadows. They also leave mounds of crap wherever they decide to make their bathroom. I hate raccoons and I hate waking up to a mess every morning!
   But they have better protection and more rights than the average citizen in Toronto and they are becoming a bigger problem by the day. The city says that since they introduced the green bin program the raccoon population has exploded. Toronto is known as the raccoon capital of the world. The city says get used to it, they are here to stay.
    Why? Why are they here to stay? Why can't we hire someone to kill them or take them hundreds of miles away. Take them all to Algonquin park! If we had three foot rats living around our homes, eating our garbage and walking our streets at night we would create a program to get rid of them in a minute? So I don't get it, maybe some one out there can enlighten me.

Three foot rat

  

  

911

  I was at a corporate golf tournament in Peterborough last week playing with a few customers. Upon arriving at the course, Baxter Creek, my phone rang, it was the OPP PCC FALLS, as identified on my phone. I answered the phone expecting a request for a donation to the policeman's ball. The person on the line identified herself as an OPP officer and informed me that I called the police and wanted to verify everything was ok. I suggested that it must have been a pocket call and I assured her that I was fine. After answering a few personal questions, my birthday, home address, where I was...the officer told me that she was required to file a report and that another officer may be contacting me.
  On the fourth hole I checked my phone and noticed I missed four calls from an "Unidentified Caller". At that very moment the phone rang again from an unidentified caller and upon answering it a police officer identified himself, told me he was following up from my previous conversation, again asked me the same questions as before and discovered we shared the same birthday, although I was older. I assured him I was fine and I apologized for my inadvertent pocket call. He asked one last time if I needed any assistance. This time I answered yes and explained to him that all my shots where slicing to the right and asked if he could help. He suggested I try loosening my grip on the club.
 My game suddenly improved. Thank goodness the OPP was there when I needed them.

Following the rules or bad manners?

 Retirement Homes have many rules and regulations. I am always very careful to abide by all of them when visiting a Home.The most common rule is to never allow a resident to leave a Home while you are entering. This is why virtually all homes have a keypad and a passcode for entry and exit of the Home.
  I was at a Home this week and as I was entering a resident in a wheel chair was waiting at the door trying to get out. Knowing the rules I stood by the door, blocking the resident from exiting, until the door was fully closed. Ensuring the resident remained in the Home.
  The resident then proceeded to put the passcode into the keypad so the door would open, while at the same gave me a very sarcastic  "thanks" together with a few choice words he mumbled under his breath. How was I to know he was allowed to leave?
   Sorry Buddy.
 

Small towns

 I have been visiting many small towns and villages recently in Ontario and I have noticed that they have many stores and services we just don't have in the bigger cities.
  Antique stores. Many antique stores. Every other store is an antique store. Who is buying these antiques. The whole town has only 1000 people. Are these stores just a way for the towns people to swap their old stuff. One sells another buys? Eventually you buy back the original old stuff you sold.
  Septic tank services. The whole idea stinks. A massive sewage tank in your back yard!  We are in the 21st century why do people still have septic tanks in Ontario? Is it true the richest guy in town owns the septic tank business? If your tank is overflowing won't you pay anything to have it emptied?
   Worms. In Toronto its hard to find a store that sells worms. In small towns its hard to find a store that doesn't sell worms. Every gas station and variety store has worms in the fridge right next to the milk and eggs.
   I like small towns and I think growing up in a small town is great. After all who doesn't want  sewage in their yard and worms in their fridge.

I am 52 years young

I have always wondered at what stage of life does a person realize he is getting older? Is it merely number of birthdays? Or is it:
-The loss of hair on one's head and the increased hair in the nose and ears?
-The increased daily medications? (Classic Care delivers)
-Having a medicine cabinet filled with medications expired 20 years ago?
-Waking up every morning at 4am to pee?
-Wanting to take a nap everyday at 2pm?
-Having your eyebrows trimmed by the barber?
-Enjoying boiled chicken and a baked potato for dinner?
-The constant reflux, accompanied by belching and clearing of the throat?
-Driving 40km/hr on the highways?
-Going to sleep at 9pm because you are up at 4am?
-Making frequent bodily noises in public and not caring?
I was recently on a flight from Toronto to Vancouver. I returned same day. I spent 9 hours that day on the plane. During the time on the plane I worked a little, I slept a little and I watched a few movies. The next morning someone asked me what movies I watched on the plane. For the life of me I could only remember one movie I watched, Lone Soldier, and as hard as I tried I couldn't remember the other movies. I think I am getting old.

Ruffles

  Ruffles, its a funny word. I always thought Lays chips made up the word Ruffles. I was driving in Toronto this week and I passed a hair salon called Ruffles. I thought it must be the owners name, Mrs Ruffles, and I chuckled to myself because I thought it was a very funny name and it sounded like chips.
   Now listen up guys I just found out that there is a word in the English vocabulary, ruffles. It is a strip of fabric sometimes gathered, creating folds. It is very common on dresses. Also sliding one's hand through their hair is called ruffling your hair. I never knew this. I have been going through life thinking Ruffles were only potato chips.
    I don't think I am really an idiot but rather I am sure it is a gender thing as I assume all women know what ruffles are while men think it is a good chip.
    Women have you ever heard of the words, nutmeg, Dial 8, or 5 hole?
   I rest my case. I just hope I haven't ruffled any feathers.

               

Shiver me timbers

   I like wearing fresh clothes every day. I would suspect that all of us like wearing clean clothes every day. At my home, miraculously, if I put my dirty clothes in a certain basket, they end up back in my drawer fresh and clean. Its a great system and I hope it never changes. 
   I heard in the news today that jeans never have to be washed. The CEO of Levi Strauss stated that the pants he was wearing, jeans, were his favorite pants and although a year old, they had never been washed. Wearing pants that have not been washed for a year? I don't wash my pants after every wear but never washing them? Won't they eventually feel dirty?
   There is an alternative proposed to washing. You never need to wash jeans just put them in the freezer over night and you are ready to go in the morning. So now we have regular cleaning, dry cleaning and freeze cleaning. Pants may be great right out of the dryer but right out of the freezer? Careful guys it may cause "shrinkage".
    It is reported that if you fold your jeans properly, place them in a ziplock bag and then freeze them, they will feel fresh, crisp and clean next time you put them on.
    I like my jeans, I have a few pairs from formal to regular blue jeans and I want them to last, so I am thinking of freezing my pants. But that's all I am freezing just my pants!

Hotels

 I stayed over night last week in Minneapolis. The Hotel was ok, near the airport, but as usual whenever I am at a hotel I am faced with the same temptations. What should I take? They have soap and shampoo. Shoe cleaners and hair nets. Pens and pads of paper. Sewing kits and body lotion. So many items to choose from.
 I have to admit that I do take the pens and if I stay over a few nights I will make sure to get new pens every day. I should also admit that if the cleaning cart is in the hall and no one is looking I will grab a few more pens. I have accumulated many, many, pens over the years.
 But what about all the other items? I do sometimes take the soap if it is real good quality. I don't use an entire bar every day, yet they give me a new one daily. Same goes for all the other items. If I like them I take them. I figure it is advertising and they want me to take them. I have baskets at home of all these tiny bathroom items, which I never actually seem to use.
 I know a guy who liked the pillows so much he took two of them from the Waldorf in New York. Many people also wonder about the robes. The hotel logo is printed on it so maybe that too is for taking?  Towels? Lamps? Pictures from the wall?.
  They should have a sign on the door that tells us what is free to take. Or maybe as we leave just hand us a grab bag with one of everything.
   I'm not sure about anyone else but I feel better about my stay if I take a few items. If they are going to charge me such high prices plus the extra taxes and wireless costs than I am taking a few extra pens. It's only fair.

12F

I flew to Minneapolis yesterday. It is only an hour and a half flight. I actually enjoy short flights. I watch a movie have a complimentary drink, and read the paper. It is actually quite relaxing.
 They are ready for boarding, I am in seat 12F. I jump in line and wait patiently. I get to the boarding counter, give my boarding pass and passport to the young lady, and she asks whether I would like to change my seat. I like 12F, I picked 12F, so I decline. She advises me that the plane is pretty empty and once I board I can change my seat if I want. Strange!
  I get to the plane door, hand my boarding pass to the flight attendant, and she informs me that if I want to change seats there are plenty of empty seats in the back of the plane. Now I am very curious. I tell her that I prefer to sit in row 12, thank you. She tells me that is fine but if I decide to switch there are plenty of open seats on the plane.
   I now make my way to seat 12F, and say excuse me to the elder lady sitting in 12E, telling her I need to get by to get to 12F, the window seat.
                                               She tells me "go sit somewhere else"!
Slightly shocked I headed toward the back of the plane, where the flight attendants were laughing. It seems this old lady pre-boarded the plane and informed everyone that there better not be anyone sitting next to her. Lucky me.
   The flight was great and I got extra drinks. But then I arrived at the airport in Minneapolis and the first thing you see is..
                                       

                                                         Maybe I am in Kansas.

Names

  What are some parents thinking when naming children. I was lucky, Moe Green worked for me, especially with Moe Green being in the Godfather.
   I was reading about Kermit Gosnell, the doctor who ran the very problematic abortion clinic. When Kermit's parents picked that name they should have known it wasn't going to turn out too well for him.
   There is a famous South Korean Olympic pole vaulter named Kim Yoo Suk. Did he ever have a chance of winning an Olympic medal?
    Rob Morrow named his kid Tu Morrow. It may have seemed funny at the time but in 20 years from now Tu Morrow wont be too happy about tomorrow.
    I have heard many strange names including: Apple, Rain, Seven, Blue Ivy...
    Although it seems any sound or word is now acceptable as a name for a child today, I have taken the liberty of providing a few names I would stay away from.
                             Osama, Adolf, Saddam, Atilla, Yikes and Oops.

Life is passing you by!

  I am not old but I remember when driving one's car was a wonderful escape from the daily grind at work . You were unreachable in your car. You could concentrate on driving while admiring the beautiful scenery. One might have kept a map in their car or just jotted down the directions to where you were heading on a piece of paper. Life was simple.
  I have been in pharmacy sales for many years and I recall driving to different cities and towns. Heading to the first gas station, finding the phone booth, ripping out the yellow pages for pharmacies and then driving to each store stopping many times on the way to ask directions. I am one of those guys who never minded asking for directions.
 Today your car is an office. You have a phone, a computer and a GPS. Usually you also have a pad of paper and a pen to write notes and reminders. You have no time to relax and admire the scenery.
   I am told I need to embrace technology. I have a GPS.  I think it is cool having a "Global Positioning System" in my car and it usually is correct, although I still don't trust it 100%. The problem with a GPS is that it takes all the thinking out of driving. You put in the address and you follow the directions. I headed out today to visit a customer whom I have visited on numerous occasions, I put the address in the GPS and off  I went. Driving for 45 minutes, passing farms, cows, golf courses, driving to absolutely no where. Only to realize the location is Dundas East not West. I knew that, I had been there before, but the address said West and once the GPS was turned on my mind was turned off.
  I took my GPS on a trip to Washington a couple years ago. It must have been jet lagged because It was about 100 meters slow. Whenever it told me to turn I was already a 100 meters past the turn. Then of course the dreaded "recalculating" came up like a good scolding.
 Once when driving with a passenger my GPS recognized the passenger's accent and switched the language to Afrikaans. It did it all by itself, I don't even know how to switch the language on my GPS.
 Technology is great and fun but sometimes we just need to escape the daily grind. Maybe next time on the road turn everything off for half an hour, open your windows, take off your shoes, crank up the music and enjoy those precious few moments. Everything else can wait!

 

A whale of an explosion.

There have now been three reported whales washed up on beaches. Before you call to volunteer to assist in the removal take a look at this video. 

You think its cold outside?

  So I am leaving to Israel for Passover and I discover, the morning of my flight, that my furnace has stopped working. My flight is leaving in a few hours and it is Sunday so I will have to look after it from overseas. It is also April, spring, time for the weather to warm up, so there is no major rush. Of course while away I do nothing, but that is ok, May is always warm.
   I arrived home last week and not only is my furnace still broken but it is damn cold! It's May and it is still freezing at night.
  You may think a sweater and an extra blanket would suffice, that's what I thought but I was wrong. Ever get out of a hot shower in a very cold room? What about that freezing cold toilet seat? Do you know that the lights take longer to brighten when it is cold?
  At least the wine is cool, the heating bill is low and the pillow refreshing. I am thinking of having a furnace party when the new furnace arrives. Crank up the heat, put down some sand and make my living room into a beach. Maybe spend the day at home in my bathing suit. Or perhaps just wear my Montreal Canadians sweater and socks. Go habs!
 

One whale of a story

    A small Canadian town is trying to figure out how to dispose of a 81-foot-long Blue whale that washed up on the beach. I have been on beaches where dead fish have washed up and the smell is horrible, I can only imagine a dead whale.

   Trout River Newfoundland is a town of 650 people that rely heavily on summer tourism. The whale is 81 feet long and the smell is getting bad. As the temperature increases so does the decay and the odour. Who would want to go to the beach where there is a massive decaying whale and a terrible smell?

    To make matters worse it is reported that:

    "It's becoming a health hazard because it's filling with toxic gases," and "They're wondering if it may explode". Has anyone ever witnessed an 81 foot long whale explode? Can't be good for local businesses or beach goers.

    Town officials say they don't have the equipment or the money to dispose of the creature and have asked the Canadian government for help, "In circumstances like this, the disposal of carcasses of whales is the responsibility of provincial or municipal authorities," they were told.

     If you want to help, call city hall in Trout River they are looking for people to assist in carving up the whale into smaller pieces and disposing of it piece by piece. They say any experience would be helpful and you can keep any pieces you want.

Perfect Job?

                            What would you do if your perfect job suddenly changed?
   I read an article in Time Magazine about China's Wolong Nature Reserve who are breeding Panda Bears and reintroducing them into the wild. Sounds exciting and fulfilling? Whom amongst us would not want to get paid to play with those cute Panda Bears every day and feel so good about saving the species. There are only 1600 left in the wild. What a perfect job!
   While not having much success reintroducing the Pandas into the wild, the head of the program, referred to as Papa Panda, decided that the captive Pandas were having too much interaction with humans and therefore made a decision that all traces of humans contact must be erased from the Panda's habitat. So did they fire all the humans who were coming in contact with the Pandas?
    No, but those lucky few who were hired to care for the captive Pandas had their world turned upside down.
    Effectively immediately anyone working with the Pandas must now wear a furry black and white panda suit smeared with Panda pee and feces every day at work. Still sound like the perfect job? Not to mention it must get very hot in those costumes!
   

Assembly required.

  We have all had this experience. You purchase a bookcase but it requires some simple assembly, not a problem. You get it home and realize the instructions are not in English.
    Not a problem, there are diagrams and pictures and after all you are a bright fellow and together with that Allen key you can do it. Usually you get most of it assembled only to realize that one piece is backwards or another piece should have been assembled first. Not a problem because taking it apart and putting it back together will be easier the second time.
    You finish it and although slightly wobbly you proudly put it in its right place, put some books on it to make it more stable and you feel good about yourself. You assembled a simple bookcase in only 6 hours! And only a few screws and bolts left over, must be extras they include just in case we lose a few when we open the box.
     Now what about that BBQ? It seems items requiring assembly are getting more and more difficult and complex to assemble. I recently purchased a new BBQ, a family member assembled it, it is working just fine. But I am a little concerned, that screw wasn't there yesterday, not a problem, must be an extra.
 

Unsolved Mysteries

With the recent disappearance of the Malaysian airplane many other unexplained mysteries are also being discussed. These include:
 -The Bermuda Triangle
 -The Loch Ness monster
 -The Taos Hum (look it up!)
 -The crop circles
 -The pyramids
 -Stonehenge
  Sure these are classic unexplained mysteries but what about the classic mysteries we all face on a daily basis?
-How do socks disappear in the wash?
-Why are the Leafs always so bad?
-Why do my car keys always hide on me?
-Why are the Leafs always so bad?
-Why do Sundays always go faster than Mondays?
-Why are the Leafs always so bad?
-How does my dirty laundry always end up clean and back in my drawers?
-Why are the Leafs always so bad?

                                                Good thing I am a Habs fan! GO HABS!

Handle with care

     Many of us have traveled by air and it is not always a wonderful experience. Never mind the long cramped flight, there is always the concern that your luggage may not arrive with you or something may be broken in or stolen from your luggage.
    I once flew to a family wedding in Atlanta. I arrived with my family but my luggage, I was told, arrived in Florida. Not to worry, I was assured the luggage was on its way to Atlanta as we spoke and would be delivered to my hotel with plenty of time to spare before the wedding. It was only Thursday and the wedding was not until Sunday.

   Friday..Saturday...Sunday nothing. My family was off to buy clothes for the wedding Sunday afternoon as my luggage had disappeared and Air Canada had no record of where it was. I borrowed an almost fitting suit and my wife and daughters purchased new dresses. Air Canada did compensate us for the new purchases but what happened to our luggage?

   As we checked out Monday morning from the hotel the reception desk asked us if we knew which Green was missing their luggage as it arrived some time on Sunday to the hotel, however since there were so many Green's staying for the wedding, the hotel did not know who it belonged to. Our luggage was found but what about Air Canada? I called them and they told me that the ticket was still open as they had no new information about the whereabouts of the luggage. 

   To this day Air Canada does not know where my luggage is. They have no record of delivering it to the hotel. The question however remains; with the fabulously well trained Air Canada baggage handlers that they have, how is it possible that they have no record of my luggage or even lose or break anything in anyone's luggage?  

    Maybe the below video, shot from an Air Canada plane last week, could answer this most puzzling mystery?        

My new best friend

  I was at a beautiful hotel recently. Gorgeous weather, nice pool, great food. It was a time to relax read my new book, Inferno, and grab some quiet time.
   Like all nice resorts, you need to get to the pool early to grab that perfect chair, put your towel down to reserve it for the day and then sit back and enjoy the peaceful time.
  I find the spot, eye the chair, grab it before anyone else can, sit down open my book and let the day begin.
  Then it happens the chair next to you becomes occupied and this guy doesn't have a book or for that matter any reading material or anything else to do but become your "best friend".
 You try very hard not to make eye contact but it does not help, the inquisition begins. What is your name? Where are you from? Enjoying the weather? What do you do? How is the food?  I am trying to read, I am answering with one word sentences, I am hoping the inquisition will be short lived, but it keeps going. How many kids do you have? Do you know so and so also from Toronto?...We have all met this guy either at a resort, on a plane, at a party, it is always the same guy with the same questions trying to become your friend. I am really not looking for a new friend for the next couple of days.
  But then my new best friend asks the wrong question! How is your book? He gives me an out. How the hell do I know how my book is? I haven't had a minute of quiet to read it!
  So I answer....wonderful thanks for asking.
My new best friend and I are planning to vacation together in Miami next year. I can't wait.

Trouble keeping my pants on!

 I was walking down the street the other day and I watched as a young man was running down the street trying to catch a bus, although he ran as fast as he could he missed the bus. Why? Because as he ran he was slowed down, needing one hand to keep his pants from falling down.
  Today it is becoming more and more difficult for men to keep their pants from falling down. When men wore suits every day it was not a problem, but times have changed. Women have purses men just have pant pockets. Many of us already have our maturing physique and gravity to overcome in order to keep our pants from falling down, but now in addition to our great physical shape we just have too many items and too much weight in our pockets that are pushing our pants to our knees. Have you ever noticed how many guys constantly do the "lift and tuck". That's because our pants are working their way down to our socks.
 When I am with my wife I am fine because I give her most of my items to carry but when I am alone it is a constant battle. Just look at what I have to deal with:
-Car keys, two sets!
-House keys.
-Work keys.
-Wallet with more and more cards, credit cards, loyalty cards, gas cards, license, health card....
-Loose change, big loonies, bigger toonies ....
-Phone hanging on my belt and sometimes one in my pocket.
-Gum or Listerine pocket packs.
-Pen and paper.
-Items picked up during the day and stowed in my pockets, business cards, notes, reminders...
How are we expected to keep our pants on?  Do we need to start carrying purses? I for one will not be the first to start the trend, however, I just might be the second?

We win again!

    Well, Classic Care did it again. I am proud to say that we won the OLTCA/ORCA best exhibitor award again. I believe it is the 4th time in 5 years. We thank all of you who visited our exhibit and voted for us.
    As always the competition was fierce and I began wondering how should one celebrate such an auspicious occasion. What do other famous repeat winners do? So began my journey into award winners and celebrations. Then I found it. A comparable award. An award coveted by many North American cities and an award celebrated annually.
  "The Most Colourful Award" this award celebrates the city with the most colourful squirrels. Black, Grey, Brown and yes White! The same squirrels that damage our homes and inevitably splatter our roads.
   The cities who compete for this award include: Olney Tennessee, Marionville Missouri, Brevard NC, and Exeter Ontario. The winner is our own Exeter.
    Exeter Ontario, a city which Classic Care services, a city with a population of about 5000, a city which not only claims to have the most colourful squirrels but is possibly the most northern city in the world with white squirrels. So how does Exeter celebrate this wonderful recognition?
-They have a mascot, White Wonder, who leads the annual White Squirrel Festival.
-They have made up a song and video to celebrate this wonderful achievement. See below.

-They have little white squirrels on their lamp posts. -They have squirrel profiles on garbage cans. -They have iron cut-outs in a variety of squirrel poses up and down the main strip.    Exeter knows how to celebrate. Thank you Exeter you have taught us much. The always colourful Classic Care will attempt to emulate you. Pill mascots, Pill garbage cans, Pill lamp posts and maybe even Pill cut-outs. We will start with the Classic Care Video. See below as well.